Tuesday, July 21, 2015

"63 illegal lobster = 156 criminal charges"

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The article states:
"A Tennessee man found off Key West with 63 lobster tails was booked into jail on 156 resource conservation counts Thursday, state marine officers report."
Charles Manson was jailed for only 8 criminal charges.  I'm wondering how is it possible to get to 156 charges for catching  crustaceans?  

Here are (most of) the rules:
 - Regular Season State and Federal Waters August 6 through March 31. Begins at 12:01 a.m. on August 6. Ends at 12:00 midnight on March 31.... if you grab one at 12:02 a.m.on April 1... NO JOKE--YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL.

-  Bag Limit: Six (6) per person per day... if you grab seven (7)-- POKEY.

- Better have a measuring gauge with you... or else-- INCARCERATION

-  All lobster must be measured in the water... so don't think you can get in your boat with your gauge and leisurely measure your catch,  because otherwise it's--SLAMMER TIME

- Lobster carapace must be greater than three (3) inches to be harvested (sounds bad) or possessed (who wants a possessed lobster? not me). All undersized lobsters must be released unharmed or--welcome to PRISON.

-  All recreationally harvested lobster must remain in whole condition while at sea   Tails can only be separated on land. When the tail is separated from the body, it must be greater than 5-1/2 inches-- (when the lobster tail is separated from its body it is called a "pinched lobster") so, don't pinch a lobster OR pinch a pinched lobster... OR--YOU WILL BE INCARCERATED.

-  Bag Limits: The Federal bag limit cannot be combined with the State bag limit. And if YOU are "in the bag" it makes matters worse on your way to the--PENITENTIARY.  

- Egg-bearing (berried) lobster regardless of species must be released unharmed. Stripping egg-bearing females of eggs, is prohibited.  (Give a mother a break people... let her go back home... you can catch her in the future, when her kids are teenagers... she will gladly succumb.)  But, if you decide to take them out of the ocean, you're going--UP THE RIVER.

- Coral is protected from damage and removal in State and Federal waters. Do NOT touch, hold on to, stand on, break or otherwise harm coral. I like the coral, so I'm saying, bring back the-- BASTILLE.

 -  Gear: Harvesting or attempting to harvest spiny lobster using any device that will or could puncture, penetrate, or crush the exoskeleton (shell) or the flesh of the lobster, and the use of such devices is prohibited. ...you don't want to hurt it before you rip the tail from its body--or you'll be doing the --

- “Artificial Habitats in State Waters” is any material placed in the waters of the state that is reasonably suited to providing cover and habitat for spiny lobster. Placing artificial habitat or harvesting lobster from artificial habitat is prohibited. Such material may be constructed of, but is not limited to, wood, metal, fiberglass, concrete, or plastic, or any combination thereof... So keep your damn car hoods on your cars... don't trick the poor lobsters into thinking this is their new condo... or you'll be in your new--HOUSE OF CORRECTIONS.

  - License Requirements: Recreational harvesters are required to possess a valid Florida Saltwater Fishing License...you can drive the boat without a license but better not be caught unlicensed with a bag of "surf" for your "turf"...or you'll be heading to your own-- COOLER.

  - Commercial Lobster Traps: It is a felony to molest (ew), damage, or take lobster from traps in State or Federal waters.  There won't be any phone reception in your--CELL.

 - Dive Flag: All divers and snorkelers in the water are required to prominently display a diver down flag. 
    Or you'll be going--DOWN.   

Thank goodness Mr Manson didn't harvest undersized, pinched lobsters out of season... he might have gotten the Death penalty...

Friday, July 10, 2015

"Man pepper sprayed after 'monkey sex'..."

We all learned a lot today.

Per the Key West Citizen newspaper...Once there, they drank a “big bottle of vodka” and then “engaged in ‘monkey sex," the local man told police.

 For all of us wondering ... what in the world is "monkey sex"?  The article in the paper clears it up.“Monkey sex” is often described as loud, wild and passionate fornication.
Hmmm - I thought it was more like..

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

"Prisoners train therapy dogs..."

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The article starts out by saying...   "A group of Florida prisoners are training therapy dogs....."
Hmmm.   I'd like to interview the future recipient of one of these fully trained dogs.

Me:  So Mr Veteran, How has Clyde the dog helped you in your daily life?

Veteran:  Well, I love dogs. This one has some quirks though.

Me: What do you mean by that?

Veteran:  The dog loves to play fetch, but every time I throw the ball, he comes back with something else.
Yeah, yesterday he brought me a chisel, the day before he was gone for awhile and then reappeared with a carton of cigarettes, and today he dropped the neighbor's car keys at my feet.  He is good at helping me turn the lights off at the end of the day...but I realized that during the night,  he'd dug a man size tunnel running from the house to the shed in back.  He's supposed to get me my medication , but the funny thing is that I'll see him get the pill bottle, run out of the door, then come home wagging his tail, all proud like, and present me with a hundred dollar bill.  He's friendly enough, but every time he hears a police siren he bolts.  For the life of me, I can't find him. He's good at hidin'.   When he eventually makes his way home, well, it's hard to explain, but he's got this guilty look...

Me:  He seems like a well trained dog to me and it is good to know that he has been instrumental in boosting the morale of the prisoners.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were future follow up articles:
 - Dog starts gang of Dawgs in quiet suburban neighborhood
- Dog makes shanks out of bones from the local cemetery
- Dog robs bank using skills learned in prison
- Dog goes back to prison