Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Key West police called to rescue woman stuck in tree


you'd think a LOCAL woman would know how to extract herself from a banyan tree--it's like Key West Education 101.

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FBI arrests Key West bank robbery suspect, stick-up was in January

After five months of a high speed chase--the FBI nabbed him.

This is the guy who robbed a bank and got away on his BICYCLE. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Nabbed another BAD FISH PERP

Glad we got this BAD dude.

 He was charged with SEVEN misdemeanor counts:
- possession of 15 over-the-limit hogfish (that is really over-the-top)
- possession of 6 undersized hogfish (show some compassion)
- possession of 2 undersized red grouper (sick bastard)
- possession of 2 out-of-season red grouper (too busy to check the calendar?)
- possession of 2 over-the-limit red grouper (make it stop)
- possession of 1 wrung lobster tail on the water (can't wait to wring the tail OUT of the water? what an ass.)
- interference with FWC officer (rude)

The bail was $8000. 
 Shouldn't it be more?
 Heck the guy who shot another guy got out on $50,000 bail.

Man with Half a Beard Arrested in Florida

I don't think that this should be a crime-- sure it looks terrible--but is it arrest worthy? I think not.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

How to prevent crime in the Keys

I don't know if this is how crime prevention is done elsewhere...

... but in the Keys if someone's dog is consistently crapping on your yard AFTER you put up very cute and nice reminders for them to pick up after their dog--then it is OK to put this on your yard:

Can anyone possibly guess who might have constructed these crime prevention posters?

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

"Cops use tattoos to identify wanted man"

I love this news article.  
It points out two very important life lessons:

1. Do not tattoo "several distinctive clown tattoos" on your arm if you are wanted for violation of parole on robbery charges in Pennsylvania.  OK--maybe in the chilly northern US you could get away with it in February--but not in the Keys. It's hot here criminals! You'll be in your sleeveless undershirt (or shirtless more likely, yuck). The police will see your identifying creepy clown tattoos and identify you. 
2. When cornered by the police--do not jump in the water.  Where are you going with that action? Cuba? You're not Diana Nyad.  

Examples of clown tattoos you should NOT put on your arm...if you want to remain "at large".

 You get the idea.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

"Beer-drinking man with gun arrested"

Let me sum up the article for you:
Deputies were called to a residence in Key Largo because a man with a rifle and a handgun and a beer, had threatened construction workers in front of his house. 

I've noticed something. 
There is common thread to a lot of crime in the Keys.
People really like their BEER here. Take this frustrated homeowner--he just wanted to have a beer in silence. Do you think he could just drink his damn beer in some peace and quiet? NO. The rifle didn't scare off the noisy construction workers. Still too much racket to drink his BEER. The handgun sticking out of his waistband didn't stop the commotion. Think of the risk this poor BEER drinking man took--the loaded gun might have gone off while still in his pants. Then he wouldn't be able to drink his BEER (theoretically, I guess you could still drink a BEER without a penis--but I think that you must have a penis to have a BEER and a gun).


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Man arrested in Florida after taking backhoe for joyride

Carl Blahnik would like to thank everyone that attended his backhoe party on the seven mile bridge. It was a rip roaring shindig... $30,000 extravaganza!

A special plug for his fellow Wisconsin residents and also those who made the trip from his current neighborhood, "a wooded area near Coco Plum Beach."

 Sheriff Rick Ramsay attended. He was quoted saying...." Blahnik's skill at making tight turns and working the backhoe's scoop to rip up road reflectors over three miles of the bridge was quite impressive." 

Thank you also to tax payers for providing funding for Carl's..." year in prison and a year on parole after his 2012 arrest for felony battery in Lake County, Ill."

And also for future funding of his charges:
- vehicle theft
-reckless driving
- fleeing from law officers
- aggravated assault
 - littering and damaging U.S. 1.
- driving on a suspended license
- driving an unregistered vehicle and not having proper lights for night driving
- possession of undersized, out of season, pinched, lobsters...... (jk)

Here's the video!

Sunday, January 17, 2016

"FBI releases photographs of Key West bank robber"


Local Key West authorities have turned to the FBI for help in the apprehension of the bank robber who escaped all possibility of capture..... when he sped away... on his bicycle.  The police cars were no match for this bicycle get-a-way on the 2X4 mile ISLAND.  The criminal must have fled over the ONE bridge off the island. I mean... he is probably almost to Big Pine Key by now (depending on the wind resistance on his BICYCLE).

The FBI is asking the local community for they are too busy or something.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

This just IN.. bank robber in Key West! How will he get-a-way?

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Gosh--I hope that they can catch him...

For the full story...