Sunday, June 21, 2015

"Man masturbates while driving on Duval Street"

NSC photo.jpg (495×150)
Hand free is dangerous also.

Let's think about how, possibly, Jeffrey S. started his day...

He woke up early, made himself a strong cup of coffee and thought to himself, "What should I do today? I'm 67 years old. I cleaned the house and did all of the yard work yesterday. Hmmm maybe I'll  go for a drive in my grey minivan on this beautiful sunny day. What should I wear? Clothes? Nah... I like the way the torn up seat cushion feels on my buttocks. Where should I go? Well, I could just cruise up and down Duval past that good lookin' cosmetic sales woman.... YES... that is what I'll do! But what should I do with my hand that is not on the steering wheel while driving to and fro?  Hmmm...not sure... looks like I'll have to make a game time decision."

At the end of the day, Jeffrey S felt bad about his decision that resulted in charges of, "indecent exposure and a sex offense for an unnatural and lascivious act".

He admitted to the officer that, "he knows what he did was wrong", but that, "he enjoys the thrill and does it quite frequently while on roads and highways" (obviously not following the 10:00 -2:00, hands on the wheel rule).

All's well that ends well... Jeffrey S. has agreed to write an apology note to the cosmetic sales woman. I'm sure that she will be thrilled to have additional contact from him.

b59b9fc7a8400ed0f72e425391178910.jpg (236×305)
To be turned in to the warden at the end of the day...


http://keysnews.com/node/67599

Friday, June 19, 2015

"Naked man on channel marker rescued"

Please look at the picture, and then, let's imagine what the Coast Guardsman are saying to one another....

'look Ma - no hands!"
- "all hands on deck... you guys gotta see this"
- "yup cap'n..., buck naked"
- "men... this is where all of our training comes to task"

 - "Thatta buoy".... contribution from Debbie Merion - check her out at www.debbiemerion.com 


Please add any other possible conversation in the comment section!
http://keysnews.com/node/67580

Monday, June 15, 2015

"Say 'I do' to pet-friendly wedding attire"

This is the newsworthy information that the local newspaper reprinted... again not a punishable crime.... but the public needs to be aware...

 09b048b3ebb4edc0710276e43da82a87.jpg (236×183)

"Say 'I do" to pet-friendly wedding attire

This article lists (in spectacular detail) how to pull off the perfect canine wedding party.

1.  "Put your pet to work - ...perhaps as a ring bearer or flower girl"  Sure... Why not have the dog carry around the heirloom diamond wedding band?   
2. "Choose a fur kid-friendly venue"  Hmm-- should we go to Hawaii or have the wedding in the backyard? Let's ask the dog!
3. "Don't make pets suffer for fashion"
So Awesome... and so wrong...


4. "Pamper your pet"    Because my dog suffers on non-wedding days.
5. "Keep everyone fed"  Because I don't feed the dog on non-wedding days.
6. "Make sure your fur kid is the party type" My dog does like parties... he ate the entire graduation party cake in 4 bites.
7. "Assign a chaperon"  Otherwise he'll eat the entire wedding cake in 4 bites.



Don't you want this fine specimen at your wedding?

http://www.dailyamerican.com/online_features/family_living/pet-friendly-attire-for-a-walk-down-the-aisle/article_6867d586-7ca8-5373-bb2c-1dfead4cc1e9.html

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

"Jilted ex-lover cuts A/C power cords"

I mean...blackmail...fine... death threats...OK.

but cutting the air conditioning cords... in the Keys?

... that's low.

woman-with-air-conditioner.jpg (640×360)
Before...

lastshredofsanity-com.jpg (666×768)
....after 



http://keysnews.com/node/66995

thethingsilearnedfrom.com - the happy a/c pic
https://robertocguerra27.wordpress.com/2013/03/ - melting woman pic

Tilly the Tug teary after towing ends in trauma...

This is Teddy the Tugboat, a friend of Thomas the Train... not to be confused with Tilly the Tug


So what do you do when you are fed up with capitalism, down to your last $8,000, have never been in a boat before and have no job or prospects? You use all of your money to buy the dilapidated tugboat Tilly (without an engine of course) and organize a flotilla to Cuba! At least that was Stephen F.’s plan.

Things went awry when he tricked the local Key West yacht club into letting him stay docked there before he could set sail. Without an engine, his stay became an extended one, and being a generous sort of guy, he turned the Tilly into a homeless flophouse. The yacht club wasn’t crazy about that so they offered the Tilly a tow and being the mighty seaworthy vessel it was it promptly sank next to the cruise ship channel. The authorities say it will only cost $500,000 to raise it again.

Maybe it’s time for Stephen F. to ask for some donations? Go Fund Me anyone?

Please read below - you gotta see the pics...


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

just "plane" old rotten luck....

It was an unlucky day for the "aviator', John W. 
 He decided to show off  his "M-Squared Breese 2 ultralight built from a kit and fitted with seaplane pontoons" by providing a "fly by" at less than 25 feet above a group of boats and people. 

His homemade craft project accommodated 2 people, hence his solicitation of passengers for, "three 20 dollar bills"... (not sixty 1 dollar bills, or six 10 dollar bills... in case you were wondering). 

Here is the unlucky part... one of the witnesses of John W's low flying piloting was an inspector from the FAA.

  Ok - so NO... John W didn't have a pilot's license and NO he didn't have a license to carry passengers for hire... but it was a nice day for a plane ride none the less. If someone had been lucky enough to have three 20 dollar bills, they could have enjoyed a beautiful view of the Keys.   

What a kill joy. 
sea_plane_ww.jpg (520×220)
I'm sure that John W would have obliged...

Read:
http://www.keysnet.com/2013/11/20/492669_cops-ground-middle-keys-pilot.html?rh=1
Picture from www.waterworld.com

If you answer your door at 12:30 am... this is what will happen...

I would heartily recommend that you don't answer your door at 12:30 am.  Period.

If you do... this is ALWAYS what happens...

 -  a 66 year old man will be standing there
- he will be wearing your red sweater that you left in your car
- he will start to hit you with a stick
- when you ask why he is hitting you, he will say, "because I love you"
- when you get pissed and rip the sweater off his scrawny ass,  he will be wearing only whitey tighteys

It's a guarantee folks. Note to self... keep the damn door shut (exception noted in the caption of photo).

db.jpg (625×939)
well .... unless it is David Beckham



no shit:
http://floridakeyssheriff.blogspot.com/2015/01/woman-attacked-behind-her-home.html#comment-form

Thursday, June 4, 2015

"Medical Examiner will cease transporting corpses in open-bed Dodge pickup"



I don't think that this is the actual coroner... but not sure. 
First of all .............I say... "YAY!"


But also, in defense of the coroner...he was quoted saying that he was just trying to do his job quickly...he says,

"The bodies are never treated disrespectfully. We're just trying to get law enforcement off the scene. The longer we stick around, the more the family is traumatized." 

I agree.
Nothing is LESS traumatizing (or disrespectful) to a family than seeing their recently deceased loved one, hoisted like a sack of potatoes into the back of an open-bed truck, onto a pile of other newly dead people.  It's Middle Age philosophy with fuel efficiency!

... and I thought that the random swamp smell was from low tide.   
    
all true...
http://www.keysnet.com/2015/04/08/502124_medical-examiner-will-cease-transporting.html?rh=1