Friday, July 14, 2017

We're getting a NEW CORONER!

The soon to be former Monroe County Medical Examiner got an "unfavorable rating" on a reappointment questionnaire. Here are some of the complaints:

- indigent people are being butchered making it difficult for embalming (sad and gross)

-  family members are excluded from identifying bodies (So, with no ID...who is getting buried? See post from March 31, 2015, maybe no-one cares.)

- co-mingling personal and private funds-- apparently, we, the taxpayers, have a stake in his personal residence (I can only hope that the hordes of pissed-off-dead-homeless are visiting him nightly.)

- yelling and screaming in fits of rage and anger (he's cranky from lack of sleep)

- public complaints that bodies were being transported in the open bed of a pickup truck (see post from June 4, 2015).

- The dead-body-pickup-truck was seen stopping at a restaurant DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW. (I'll have a couple deep sea sliders and some coffin nails.)

Thursday, July 13, 2017

It's a brutal massacre

Pinched in their prime --so many lost souls.

Nothing gripes my bottom like a poacher pincher.  This father and son outing ended poorly.

- 586 first-degree misdemeanor counts - possession of out-of-seasonn lobster and wrung tails
- 2 third degree felony counts - possession of more than 100 undersized lobsters
- 14 second degree misdemeanor counts - possession of speared lobster out-of-season, stone crab, undersized stone crab and reef fish not landed in whole condition
-  unscheduled outing to the Monroe County Detention Center

I can just imagine the phone call to the mother after the arrest. Probably something like:

Son: "Hi Mom."

Mom: "Hi Honey, how's the Dad bonding fishing trip going?"

Son: "Not so good."

Mom: "What's wrong?"

Son: "Well...we're bonding alright. More like bail bonding."

Mom: "What are you talking about? What did you do? Where's your father?"

Son:  "He's here. Uhhh, Dad...Mom wants to talk to you."

Muffled male voice that sounds something like,"Ahhhhh. I don't want to talk to her."

Son: "Here's Dad."


Dad: "Hi Sweetie."

Mom: "I don't think you should be sweetying me right now. What is going on? Where are you?"

Dad:  "I'll explain everything when I get home, but right now I need you to move some cash out of our 401K to the regular checking account."

Mom: "What? Why?"

Dad: "We need to get out of jail. Apparently it's illegal to spear undersized, out-of-season, lobsters. It's also unfortunate that we decided to pinch their heads off while still on the boat--also against the law. I believe that some of them were berried."

Mom: "Lobsters? Berried? What does that mean?"

Dad: "Pregnant"

Mom: "My God. You beasts. How many lobsters did you kill?"


Dad: "Better sell some of the mutual funds too."

Thursday, June 15, 2017

No one likes a "grabby" EX girlfriend

The report says that the alleged "grabber" was not on the scene when the police arrived at the outdoor public restroom in Key West at 7 AM. The victim filmed the altercation with his cell phone - but didn't get actual grabbing footage.

I mean - without that footage - how are we going to know what the grabbers hand looked like? He said that he experienced immediate pain and discomfort. I'm imagining the worst.

What if her hand looked like this?

2aa95c2286ad95616e5d1b584a62d3d2.jpg (236×317)

It must have been so horrifying.

This article was posted in the Key West Citizen!

Monday, March 20, 2017

Does this sound weird to you?

At first look, I thought that these were just progressive women, you know, give the kids some privacy while they drink.
8b04376399d0d9ebf76825460a901561.jpg (400×400)

Upon reading the article, however, it is the WOMEN who are drinking--not the two year olds.
 So it's fine.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Woman bites husband during sex in Florida Keys

The "weapon" listed on the police report said "teeth".

All I'm saying is that she probably has really strong weaponry since she's a DENTAL HYGIENIST. 

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Very drunk UF student body president-elect arrested in Key West

So many presidential problems.

This president elect "Gator" pushed down parked motorcycles that didn't start when he sat on them. He didn't "recall coming down to Key West on spring break vacation."
He won the student body presidency representing 52,000 students on the tagline, "Character that Counts." OOPSIE.

Here's how the conversation went with his MOM:

- Hi Mom
- Hi Honey - how are you- why are you calling me? On the phone...with your voice? What's wrong?
-Uhhh - I'm kinda in the Stock Island Detention Center.
-What are you talking about? What is a Stock Island?
-I got arrested in Key West.
-KEY WEST????? What are you doing in Key West?
-I donno. Can't remember.
-What???? .................Okay.... deep breaths,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, calm yourself.........
-I am calm,
-I'm talking to myself...your father is going to be apoplectic.
-UGGGGGGH - why are we paying for this high priced education when you can't even speak English-- your father is going to be PISSED OFF.
-I'm your mother-not a DUDE. What is the school going to say about this? What about your presidency?
-I ran unopposed - they gotta have someone.
-So that someone is in the drunk tank? That's where the bar is? to speak.
-I need $328.00.
- I need a cashier's check sent here
- silence
- today--or I can't get out of jail
- silence
-Okay, Okay... promise me you're never going to Key West ever again.
- I promise
- Let me talk to the person in charge
- Okay...........................................Dude my Mom wants to talk to you. SHUT UP.  I'm not a momma's boy. I'm an ADULT. I can take care of myself. Asshole.........................Okay...Mom...Officer Galbo is on the phone

Not saying how I know the conversation went like that.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Man arrested after defecating at golf course

I wonder if he did number two on hole number one? Article didn't say. 

When asked why he was pooping on the golf course, the suspect said laughingly, "I was in the woods."

So, I guess the answer is the "does the ____ poop in the woods?"  question.  

He has a nice prison potty now--so that is a happy ending.