Friday, July 14, 2017

We're getting a NEW CORONER!

The soon to be former Monroe County Medical Examiner got an "unfavorable rating" on a reappointment questionnaire. Here are some of the complaints:

- indigent people are being butchered making it difficult for embalming (sad and gross)

-  family members are excluded from identifying bodies (So, with no ID...who is getting buried? See post from March 31, 2015, maybe no-one cares.)

- co-mingling personal and private funds-- apparently, we, the taxpayers, have a stake in his personal residence (I can only hope that the hordes of pissed-off-dead-homeless are visiting him nightly.)

- yelling and screaming in fits of rage and anger (he's cranky from lack of sleep)

- public complaints that bodies were being transported in the open bed of a pickup truck (see post from June 4, 2015).

- The dead-body-pickup-truck was seen stopping at a restaurant DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW. (I'll have a couple deep sea sliders and some coffin nails.)

Thursday, July 13, 2017

It's a brutal massacre

Pinched in their prime --so many lost souls.

Nothing gripes my bottom like a poacher pincher.  This father and son outing ended poorly.

- 586 first-degree misdemeanor counts - possession of out-of-seasonn lobster and wrung tails
- 2 third degree felony counts - possession of more than 100 undersized lobsters
- 14 second degree misdemeanor counts - possession of speared lobster out-of-season, stone crab, undersized stone crab and reef fish not landed in whole condition
-  unscheduled outing to the Monroe County Detention Center

I can just imagine the phone call to the mother after the arrest. Probably something like:

Son: "Hi Mom."

Mom: "Hi Honey, how's the Dad bonding fishing trip going?"

Son: "Not so good."

Mom: "What's wrong?"

Son: "Well...we're bonding alright. More like bail bonding."

Mom: "What are you talking about? What did you do? Where's your father?"

Son:  "He's here. Uhhh, Dad...Mom wants to talk to you."

Muffled male voice that sounds something like,"Ahhhhh. I don't want to talk to her."

Son: "Here's Dad."


Dad: "Hi Sweetie."

Mom: "I don't think you should be sweetying me right now. What is going on? Where are you?"

Dad:  "I'll explain everything when I get home, but right now I need you to move some cash out of our 401K to the regular checking account."

Mom: "What? Why?"

Dad: "We need to get out of jail. Apparently it's illegal to spear undersized, out-of-season, lobsters. It's also unfortunate that we decided to pinch their heads off while still on the boat--also against the law. I believe that some of them were berried."

Mom: "Lobsters? Berried? What does that mean?"

Dad: "Pregnant"

Mom: "My God. You beasts. How many lobsters did you kill?"


Dad: "Better sell some of the mutual funds too."