Thursday, December 10, 2015

"Two Arrested in Fish Case"

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This is the benefit of living where I live... I get incredible news on all FISH crimes... Suck it Chicago... not getting this news there. 

This article reports that at 6:30 p.m. the officers spied the suspicious fishermen and asked the perps FOUR times if they had illegal, UNDERSIZED, fish and the response was always the same... nope... NO UNDERSIZED snapper or grouper ... only grunts (which is OK BTW).  But these crafty officers weren't buying that fish story. 

The officers had a sixth sense. Something was just not right. Hence they proceeded to look under:
- numerous grunts in the cooler
- lots of ice in the cooler

Guess what they found at the bottom of the cooler?  One UNDERSIZED black grouper and two UNDERSIZED mangrove snappers.Did the officers stop looking once they caught this bounty? NO. These dedicated officers kept going... and what did they happen to find wrapped in a plastic bag, hidden underneath fishing gear, behind the cooler??? One UNDERSIZED  mutton snapper...My God. 

I feel safer already. 

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Report: Man hid marijuana in buttocks

The report says that the officers found a plastic bag containing marijuana "hidden in the crack of his buttocks."

I think that is was presumptuous on the part of the arresting officer to assume that he was concealing this bag of marijuana. Maybe - that is just where he keeps it... hands free and moist.  He could possibly carry lots of stuff keys, money, or even his cell phone...not hiding... transporting!   

 Don't get me wrong... I'm all for arresting this guy...especially since he was listed as a "violent offender with special conditions."  Although, I am confused about what possible "special conditions"  a violent offender could have?  Does he dance the jig? It is possible with extra butt cargo, he might walk with a spring in his step.  Does he have a facial tic? Probably only when sitting. Can he have heightened sense of taste? Most likely not... especially if he smoked his recently toted marijuana. 

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That'll chafe for sure.

This just in... Hialeah Man Caught with Undersized Snapper

This Islamorada man was caught in possession of:

 - undersized Yellowtail Snapper
- undersized Mangrove Snapper
- undersized Schoolmaster Snapper

This guy went to jail. Unfair.'s the deal... these are undersized teenager Snappers. 

 You know who is really at fault here? The Snapper's parents.  They were probably like, "we wash our fins of these hooligans, they never listen, always want the easy way out...eating the worm dangling in front of them instead of searching for their own food like we taught them..."

Give a fish a worm... he can eat for a day. 
Teach a fish to catch his own worm... he doesn't end up in the cooler on the boat.

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Monday, November 16, 2015

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Reverse commuting! Man steals boat in US.... caught in Cuba.

I'm a bit confused at how he got to Cuba from the Keys since the article states he was last seen heading "northeast."  Maybe he thought Cuba was Miami... they are kind of alike. 

But wait... did he pose for this picture before he stole the boat from the marina in the keys?  A follow up article states that no-one knows where he is from or if he has a criminal record.  Upon 4 seconds of Googling.............................................. Iowa and yes he does.    

This is the suspect in the boat at Murray Marine.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

"Man arrested in sailboat burglary"

At 4:00 in the morning, a burglar entered a sailboat owned and occupied by a 93 year old man.  The burglar started going through the belongings of the sailboat owner and refused to leave the boat. The owner went to neighbors to get help.

 When they returned they found the robber asleep on the couch with a gift bag on his head (very tricky... he can't see you so you can't see him...soooo tricky).

They were initially unable to wake him but eventually they got him up and the police transported him to Monroe County Detention Center on Stock Island. 

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"Handcuffed suspect gets away"

hmmm... what do we have here?

Upon further investigation... 

Please follow me closely on this:

3:40 am:
The policeman sees three people snorting cocaine, he approaches them, and then he handcuffs the guy who is holding the drugs.  The policeman gets an emergency call from another policeman and has to answer it. He directs the three perps not to move. The three amigos (obviously not law abiding) make a run for it.  The police are unable to find them...even though one of them is still handcuffed.

Later on:
One of the un-handcuffed persons calls 911 asking to speak to the arresting officer saying that she "heard" she was involved in something. She was never at the scene and was not involved in the incident that she was describing on the phone. The arresting officer says that he still has her driver's license that she handed to him during the arrest. (hmm... need to go to Plan B)  Fine...  She agrees to go to the station to clear her good name.  She tells officers at the station that she did stay at the scene of the crime... and she only left (the scene of the crime) because the officer was busy...  (so, that is not like really leaving the scene if you are running away from the arrest while the officer is responding another call... that is more like... showing respect for the officer's time).

The handcuffed man remains on the lam... he faces the same charges as the other two...along with "petty theft for leaving with the officer's $30 handcuffs." (Perhaps someone should go and check out Baker's Lane street sign...)

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

"63 illegal lobster = 156 criminal charges"

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The article states:
"A Tennessee man found off Key West with 63 lobster tails was booked into jail on 156 resource conservation counts Thursday, state marine officers report."
Charles Manson was jailed for only 8 criminal charges.  I'm wondering how is it possible to get to 156 charges for catching  crustaceans?  

Here are (most of) the rules:
 - Regular Season State and Federal Waters August 6 through March 31. Begins at 12:01 a.m. on August 6. Ends at 12:00 midnight on March 31.... if you grab one at 12:02 a.m.on April 1... NO JOKE--YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL.

-  Bag Limit: Six (6) per person per day... if you grab seven (7)-- POKEY.

- Better have a measuring gauge with you... or else-- INCARCERATION

-  All lobster must be measured in the water... so don't think you can get in your boat with your gauge and leisurely measure your catch,  because otherwise it's--SLAMMER TIME

- Lobster carapace must be greater than three (3) inches to be harvested (sounds bad) or possessed (who wants a possessed lobster? not me). All undersized lobsters must be released unharmed or--welcome to PRISON.

-  All recreationally harvested lobster must remain in whole condition while at sea   Tails can only be separated on land. When the tail is separated from the body, it must be greater than 5-1/2 inches-- (when the lobster tail is separated from its body it is called a "pinched lobster") so, don't pinch a lobster OR pinch a pinched lobster... OR--YOU WILL BE INCARCERATED.

-  Bag Limits: The Federal bag limit cannot be combined with the State bag limit. And if YOU are "in the bag" it makes matters worse on your way to the--PENITENTIARY.  

- Egg-bearing (berried) lobster regardless of species must be released unharmed. Stripping egg-bearing females of eggs, is prohibited.  (Give a mother a break people... let her go back home... you can catch her in the future, when her kids are teenagers... she will gladly succumb.)  But, if you decide to take them out of the ocean, you're going--UP THE RIVER.

- Coral is protected from damage and removal in State and Federal waters. Do NOT touch, hold on to, stand on, break or otherwise harm coral. I like the coral, so I'm saying, bring back the-- BASTILLE.

 -  Gear: Harvesting or attempting to harvest spiny lobster using any device that will or could puncture, penetrate, or crush the exoskeleton (shell) or the flesh of the lobster, and the use of such devices is prohibited. don't want to hurt it before you rip the tail from its body--or you'll be doing the --

- “Artificial Habitats in State Waters” is any material placed in the waters of the state that is reasonably suited to providing cover and habitat for spiny lobster. Placing artificial habitat or harvesting lobster from artificial habitat is prohibited. Such material may be constructed of, but is not limited to, wood, metal, fiberglass, concrete, or plastic, or any combination thereof... So keep your damn car hoods on your cars... don't trick the poor lobsters into thinking this is their new condo... or you'll be in your new--HOUSE OF CORRECTIONS.

  - License Requirements: Recreational harvesters are required to possess a valid Florida Saltwater Fishing can drive the boat without a license but better not be caught unlicensed with a bag of "surf" for your "turf"...or you'll be heading to your own-- COOLER.

  - Commercial Lobster Traps: It is a felony to molest (ew), damage, or take lobster from traps in State or Federal waters.  There won't be any phone reception in your--CELL.

 - Dive Flag: All divers and snorkelers in the water are required to prominently display a diver down flag. 
    Or you'll be going--DOWN.   

Thank goodness Mr Manson didn't harvest undersized, pinched lobsters out of season... he might have gotten the Death penalty...

Friday, July 10, 2015

"Man pepper sprayed after 'monkey sex'..."

We all learned a lot today.

Per the Key West Citizen newspaper...Once there, they drank a “big bottle of vodka” and then “engaged in ‘monkey sex," the local man told police.

 For all of us wondering ... what in the world is "monkey sex"?  The article in the paper clears it up.“Monkey sex” is often described as loud, wild and passionate fornication.
Hmmm - I thought it was more like..

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

"Prisoners train therapy dogs..."

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The article starts out by saying...   "A group of Florida prisoners are training therapy dogs....."
Hmmm.   I'd like to interview the future recipient of one of these fully trained dogs.

Me:  So Mr Veteran, How has Clyde the dog helped you in your daily life?

Veteran:  Well, I love dogs. This one has some quirks though.

Me: What do you mean by that?

Veteran:  The dog loves to play fetch, but every time I throw the ball, he comes back with something else.
Yeah, yesterday he brought me a chisel, the day before he was gone for awhile and then reappeared with a carton of cigarettes, and today he dropped the neighbor's car keys at my feet.  He is good at helping me turn the lights off at the end of the day...but I realized that during the night,  he'd dug a man size tunnel running from the house to the shed in back.  He's supposed to get me my medication , but the funny thing is that I'll see him get the pill bottle, run out of the door, then come home wagging his tail, all proud like, and present me with a hundred dollar bill.  He's friendly enough, but every time he hears a police siren he bolts.  For the life of me, I can't find him. He's good at hidin'.   When he eventually makes his way home, well, it's hard to explain, but he's got this guilty look...

Me:  He seems like a well trained dog to me and it is good to know that he has been instrumental in boosting the morale of the prisoners.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were future follow up articles:
 - Dog starts gang of Dawgs in quiet suburban neighborhood
- Dog makes shanks out of bones from the local cemetery
- Dog robs bank using skills learned in prison
- Dog goes back to prison

Sunday, June 21, 2015

"Man masturbates while driving on Duval Street"

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Hand free is dangerous also.

Let's think about how, possibly, Jeffrey S. started his day...

He woke up early, made himself a strong cup of coffee and thought to himself, "What should I do today? I'm 67 years old. I cleaned the house and did all of the yard work yesterday. Hmmm maybe I'll  go for a drive in my grey minivan on this beautiful sunny day. What should I wear? Clothes? Nah... I like the way the torn up seat cushion feels on my buttocks. Where should I go? Well, I could just cruise up and down Duval past that good lookin' cosmetic sales woman.... YES... that is what I'll do! But what should I do with my hand that is not on the steering wheel while driving to and fro?  Hmmm...not sure... looks like I'll have to make a game time decision."

At the end of the day, Jeffrey S felt bad about his decision that resulted in charges of, "indecent exposure and a sex offense for an unnatural and lascivious act".

He admitted to the officer that, "he knows what he did was wrong", but that, "he enjoys the thrill and does it quite frequently while on roads and highways" (obviously not following the 10:00 -2:00, hands on the wheel rule).

All's well that ends well... Jeffrey S. has agreed to write an apology note to the cosmetic sales woman. I'm sure that she will be thrilled to have additional contact from him.

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To be turned in to the warden at the end of the day...

Friday, June 19, 2015

"Naked man on channel marker rescued"

Please look at the picture, and then, let's imagine what the Coast Guardsman are saying to one another....

'look Ma - no hands!"
- "all hands on deck... you guys gotta see this"
- "yup cap'n..., buck naked"
- "men... this is where all of our training comes to task"

 - "Thatta buoy".... contribution from Debbie Merion - check her out at 

Please add any other possible conversation in the comment section!

Monday, June 15, 2015

"Say 'I do' to pet-friendly wedding attire"

This is the newsworthy information that the local newspaper reprinted... again not a punishable crime.... but the public needs to be aware...

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"Say 'I do" to pet-friendly wedding attire

This article lists (in spectacular detail) how to pull off the perfect canine wedding party.

1.  "Put your pet to work - ...perhaps as a ring bearer or flower girl"  Sure... Why not have the dog carry around the heirloom diamond wedding band?   
2. "Choose a fur kid-friendly venue"  Hmm-- should we go to Hawaii or have the wedding in the backyard? Let's ask the dog!
3. "Don't make pets suffer for fashion"
So Awesome... and so wrong...

4. "Pamper your pet"    Because my dog suffers on non-wedding days.
5. "Keep everyone fed"  Because I don't feed the dog on non-wedding days.
6. "Make sure your fur kid is the party type" My dog does like parties... he ate the entire graduation party cake in 4 bites.
7. "Assign a chaperon"  Otherwise he'll eat the entire wedding cake in 4 bites.

Don't you want this fine specimen at your wedding?

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

"Jilted ex-lover cuts A/C power cords"

I mean...blackmail...fine... death threats...OK.

but cutting the air conditioning cords... in the Keys?

... that's low.

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....after - the happy a/c pic - melting woman pic

Tilly the Tug teary after towing ends in trauma...

This is Teddy the Tugboat, a friend of Thomas the Train... not to be confused with Tilly the Tug

So what do you do when you are fed up with capitalism, down to your last $8,000, have never been in a boat before and have no job or prospects? You use all of your money to buy the dilapidated tugboat Tilly (without an engine of course) and organize a flotilla to Cuba! At least that was Stephen F.’s plan.

Things went awry when he tricked the local Key West yacht club into letting him stay docked there before he could set sail. Without an engine, his stay became an extended one, and being a generous sort of guy, he turned the Tilly into a homeless flophouse. The yacht club wasn’t crazy about that so they offered the Tilly a tow and being the mighty seaworthy vessel it was it promptly sank next to the cruise ship channel. The authorities say it will only cost $500,000 to raise it again.

Maybe it’s time for Stephen F. to ask for some donations? Go Fund Me anyone?

Please read below - you gotta see the pics...

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

just "plane" old rotten luck....

It was an unlucky day for the "aviator', John W. 
 He decided to show off  his "M-Squared Breese 2 ultralight built from a kit and fitted with seaplane pontoons" by providing a "fly by" at less than 25 feet above a group of boats and people. 

His homemade craft project accommodated 2 people, hence his solicitation of passengers for, "three 20 dollar bills"... (not sixty 1 dollar bills, or six 10 dollar bills... in case you were wondering). 

Here is the unlucky part... one of the witnesses of John W's low flying piloting was an inspector from the FAA.

  Ok - so NO... John W didn't have a pilot's license and NO he didn't have a license to carry passengers for hire... but it was a nice day for a plane ride none the less. If someone had been lucky enough to have three 20 dollar bills, they could have enjoyed a beautiful view of the Keys.   

What a kill joy. 
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I'm sure that John W would have obliged...

Picture from

If you answer your door at 12:30 am... this is what will happen...

I would heartily recommend that you don't answer your door at 12:30 am.  Period.

If you do... this is ALWAYS what happens...

 -  a 66 year old man will be standing there
- he will be wearing your red sweater that you left in your car
- he will start to hit you with a stick
- when you ask why he is hitting you, he will say, "because I love you"
- when you get pissed and rip the sweater off his scrawny ass,  he will be wearing only whitey tighteys

It's a guarantee folks. Note to self... keep the damn door shut (exception noted in the caption of photo).

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well .... unless it is David Beckham

no shit:

Thursday, June 4, 2015

"Medical Examiner will cease transporting corpses in open-bed Dodge pickup"

I don't think that this is the actual coroner... but not sure. 
First of all .............I say... "YAY!"

But also, in defense of the coroner...he was quoted saying that he was just trying to do his job quickly...he says,

"The bodies are never treated disrespectfully. We're just trying to get law enforcement off the scene. The longer we stick around, the more the family is traumatized." 

I agree.
Nothing is LESS traumatizing (or disrespectful) to a family than seeing their recently deceased loved one, hoisted like a sack of potatoes into the back of an open-bed truck, onto a pile of other newly dead people.  It's Middle Age philosophy with fuel efficiency!

... and I thought that the random swamp smell was from low tide.   
all true...

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

"Woman arrested for knife threats"

In Big Pine Key, a complaint was made that a 55 year old landlady threatened a man, his girlfriend, and their two small children.  According to the report, Mary W, living on Avenue B,  burst into the tenants' room while they were watching TV. Wielding a butcher knife,  Mary promised to decapitate the man and his baby.  Why?  Well, she thought they were stealing her.................


I would have thought she would have gone directly to the police to report the theft, but apparently she decided to cut to the chase, take matters in her own hands, and where the chips fall, there let them lie.

The good news is that when the police showed up at the house, Mary W reported to the officers that there were no more drugs in the house....she had just smoked the last of her marijuana.   She admitted to making the threats, but denied making them with a knife....however the girlfriend and the 7 year old confirmed Mary W's  promise of decapitation.

If only the 3 month old baby could have spoken up too...
Not Mary W...

Thursday, May 14, 2015

"Video shows grouper eating lionfish"


Is this big news?

A fish eats another fish?  Honestly? I'm not impressed.

How about if a grouper ate a lion? Now that would be interesting.

" Police Discover Phallic pot Pipe"

While checking out a local pizza parlor for drug activity, the police found a penis-shaped pipe that was "still warm" in the store's garbage can.

(Let's just hope that the pipe was "still warm" from smoking marijuana.)

The police interrogated a person standing nearby who said that he didn't see anyone smoking pot...  the subject also added that he wasn't sure about that ...because he was drunk.

The final sentence of the article addresses the question on everyone's mind..."The report gave no mention as to the size of the pipe."

Can't get the whole article  online - have to buy the edition.  I told you all of the good stuff anyway.



Monday, May 11, 2015

Shocking! Adult entertainment club accused of FRAUD!

Well, knock me over with a feather... a fraudulent transaction taking place at an adult entertainment club.  They are usually so reputable.

I love the fact that this guy reported the credit card fraud to the police...who consequently reported
to the newspaper.   Now everyone in the world (and in New York, his home state) knows that Michael T. was ripped off when he was overcharged  $1500 while ordering up  "fetishes".

 He acknowledged that employees were coming in and out of the room to get his authorization and that he gave them his debit AND credit cards... however the ONE $1500 charge was fraudulent. All of the other charges (how many? we don't know... probably lots of fetish possibilities)  were authorized - so that is good.

 He might not have a case though. Maybe the fetish he ordered was " fun with credit/debit card fraud"...  The article doesn't say.

I'm sure that his family and friends are proud that he did the right thing and reported the wrong doing... quality guy.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Most definitely should be a Tripadvisor rating for this...

5- acre prison a Paradise for inmates

The article's title on it's own, brings incredible peace of mind. I, for one, am heartened by the fact that the inmates in the Florida Keys are enjoying their prison stay.  

Here are some of the best quotes:

 - "The entry gate, unguarded, sat open during a recent Wednesday morning. The Key deer grazed on the manicured front lawn. Meanwhile, a decorative manatee-zone buoy greeted visitors on the way into the homey looking administration building." Maybe Martha Stewart had hand  in the decorating.

- ' "It's a privilege to come down here, " said Lawrence W, 48, who is serving the last few weeks of a nine-year sentence for grand theft.'   Ahhhh...Such a welcome vacation! All of the other prisons were so dreary. 

- "...there's no double fence, and no guard tower manned with armed prison guards."   That would be soooo mean!

-  ' "This is a good place to spend your time. This is a blessed place. You're less stressed here. You're more relaxed." '   So happy that Robert G. is less stressed while serving 10 years for robbery! 

- an inmate added that he was "confident that he'll find employment in the Keys upon his release."   Yup, pretty sure that one (or more) of his fellow lodgers just finished roofing my house.    
OK - so this is not the prison now... but in the future?  We can only hope!
It's all here:

Monday, April 27, 2015

Feels creepier than a crime....

My friend just bought a house in KW... this came with the property...

Q. What the heck kind of scorpion needs to be killed with a MACHETE?
A. ...Very, very big one.

Notice the helpful "Emergency Room Experience Guide" attached to the note...

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Worse than a poke in the eye...

Last December, a man walked into the police station, and shared some information that his grandmother told him 16 years ago...

Sergio T. informed the police that in 1961, his grandmother and her boyfriend were digging in the front yard  at 833 Johnson Lane, to plant a fruit tree.  They came upon some resistance and found a block of cement. After removing the obstacle, they discovered the remains of a human, what appeared to be female, with scissors impaled in the chest area.  Along with the body, was a newspaper from 1934.

Quiz time...what would you do if you were the grandmother?
a. call the police and report the incident as soon as the human skeletal remains are seen
b. have a beer and think about it
c. cover up body with dirt and plant the fruit tree on top...setting up the property for a future of merciless hauntings...and a tree filled with iguanas, eating the fruit and pooping on everything.

Yes - the answer is c!

Sergio T. decided to go to the police because he "wanted to get it off of his chest".  Unfortunately, the mysterious dead woman was not as fortunate.

All this can be yours for only ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Read all about it....

Just the facts...m'am... I mean sir... whatever

Based on the newspaper report of this crime... this is what we know:

 - officer finds two "residents" lying together under a stairwell at 4:40 am
- one resident tells the officer that "her partner agreed to pay her for sex" (is this a typo or are there 2 hers involved?)
- their first names are Camille  (sounds like a female name) and Yassel (hmmm - not sure)
- Yassel had turned 34 four days before (not sure why we care about this...but this is a birthday bummer)
-  both are charged with prostitution and go to jail... Camille is still in jail in lieu of $500 bond
- Officer said that Yassel said that Camille said that there was a $40 agreement made
- Yassel is a fisherMAN... (OK--phew - it was typo... I was really struggling with this.)
- Yassel said that the agreement made did not involve money compensation
- Camille said that Yassel is a liar
- Yassel said he thought that Camille lived under the stairwell (could be - it is Key West and maybe Camille idolized Harry Potter)
- the two had previously participated in prostitution (shocker!)
-Yassel was arrested with $944 in his pockets (now we know how he could post bond!... but what about poor Camille? how much money did she have in her pockets? not even $40?)
- Yassel had had a string of other charges since 2003:
      - stalking
      - trespassing
     - POSSESSING STONE CRAB OUT OF SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Better not get my pet crab, "Crabby" ... in season or not...
See for yourself:

Friday, March 13, 2015

Full service in Key West

If you don't know what Fantasy Fest is... I'll sum it up for you....lots of naked people drinking lots of hard alcohol at the end of October. The people are supposed to be in costumes, however, unless the costume itself is not wearing a costume... there are no costumes.

The island hosts over 100,000 guests for this event. It's so popular that many famous people would sell their souls to perform in Key West  in front of the thronging masses.  Mary Carey was no different. It was a perfect fit for the porn star. She just had to fly from LosAngeles to Miami and then Miami to Key West... without having sex with a man during her flights. To her credit, she made 50% of the goal. Unfortunately, the liquor did the talking during flight one and there were seat shenanigans that turned into a bathroom tryst once the plane landed. The police didn't like the fact that she (they) wouldn't get out of the plane potty and the airlines didn't like the fact that she was drunk as a skunk.

 Her fellow porn star companion, Ron Jeremy, who was traveling with Mary on the same flight, said that his feelings were hurt because Mary didn't include him also in the bathroom festivities. (It's a tiny airplane bathroom dude... not the Grotto.)

 The concluding result?  She was banned from her second flight. In a desperate move, the Fantasy Fest promoter ordered a driver to drive 3.5 hours to Miami  to pick her up and then drive 3.5 hours back to Key West in order for her  to make her show at the "Anything But Clothes" event at the local strip club.  Praise all that is holy... she made it in time for her "performance".

The article doesn't name the lucky person designated to be the celebrity's driver OR what happened in the CAR on the way down to Key West.  If history is any predictor..........................

Here are a couple more fun facts about Mary Carey:
  - she ran for governor  (as a publicity stunt ... but what if she had won? Probably would have naked bars everywhere.)
 - she appeared on a  VH1 reality TV show called, "Celebrity Rehab" in 2008 where she received treatment for alcoholism........................................... oopsie.

Thank goodness it all worked out for the Fantasy Fest promoter! He then could focus his efforts on his other responsibilities;  the Tighty Whitey Party, the Pajama and Lingerie Party, and the Pimp and Ho Party.

Still not kidding folks.  Please click to read article.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Can’t really blame her...

Carolyn D., affectionately known to her friends and family as "Sea Hag," had no previous arrests or criminal record. Now she is in jail for 30 years. She just wanted a beer. It's not fair.
photo courtesy of the Monroe County Sheriff's Office

One warm summer evening on Conch Key, Martin M. returned home from dinner, sat down on his front porch, and drank a cold Busch Lite beer.

Sea Hag saw her neighbor and walked around the side of the house to ask him, "Do you have a cold beer for me?"

Martin M. responded " I have absolutely nothing for you." This was a super big mistake on his part. He obviously had not partied with Sea Hag before or he would have known that to refuse Sea Hag a beer was like taunting the Incredible Hulk.


Before we jump to the conclusion of this story--let’s take a step back from the situation and ponder. What are some possible actions that she could have taken in her angered state?

  1. Yell swear words in a loud voice ...not lady like, however, in most cases very satisfying (especially when hand gesturing towards the crotch area).
  2. Maybe he was being truthful in saying he had “absolutely nothing” so he couldn't give her a cold beer when there was none to give... perhaps a complete misunderstanding... forgive and forget.
  3. Whip out her gun (gotta love a woman who takes her gun partying),  and shoot the greedy bastard 5 times....twice in the abdomen, twice in the back and then once in the wrist (she must have lost focus).

OK. Let’s analyze these possibilities:

  • Number one couldn't work because that is the way everyone in the world communicates today. (I have three sons and they have assured me that  “F U you F’ing F’er,” is a cordial greeting among friends).
  • Number two is unlikely, since men always have a source for more beer.
  • Number three is the only obvious solution to the problem.  She wanted the beer. She was dissed.  He had to go.

Yes-- the correct answer is number three! Good for you!

Sea Hag tussled with some neighbors, threw her gun in the water, then sat down ( presumably to drink her hard earned beer).  Hell yes Sea Hag.

Please click on links below if you think I'm making this up...

Friday, March 6, 2015

Cleanliness is next to Godliness... except on Route 1

Cleanliness is next to Godliness except on Route 1...

A couple of years ago, Meghan B., a  37 year old woman from Indiana embarked on a road trip down Route 1 to see her new boyfriend in Key West.  While taking in the sites, she realized that she had forgotten to shave her private part(s) in preparation for her hot date, thus decided to multi-task while driving. However, even without  (presumably) underwear, she had a problem steering while shearing.
booking photo

Fortunately, she had a helper in the passenger seat...Charles J, her ex-HUSBAND. I’m sure that he just wanted to get out of the Indiana snow and ice and snatched the opportunity for a ride. He graciously offered to steer the car for her while she continued pruning.

Maybe one of the reasons that they got divorced was their inability to work as a team since they smashed into the vehicle in front of them. 

Meghan B. got very upset at this time for a few reasons:
  • her shaving turned to slicing 
  • she was driving with a suspended license due to the previous day’s DUI conviction. (too much fun on the way down to Florida)
  • with 6 driver’s license suspensions under her belt...she knew that an accident would not help her cause

Charles J. was burnt by the passenger side airbag deployment, but even in his blistered state, he took the high road. While the policeman made his way to the car, Charles J.  jumped into the driver’s seat while Meghan B. climbed (probably gingerly) into the backseat.  

The officer noticed that:
  • the passenger airbag had deployed
  • the driver’s side was not equipped with an airbag
  • Charles J. was sitting in the driver’s seat with airbag burns on his chest
  • the passenger seat was now empty
  • Meghan B. was in the backseat... applying tourniquets (or something like that--the article doesn’t exactly say)

The policeman astutely assumed that Meghan B. was, in fact, the driver.  When he asked her why she didn’t stop to avoid the accident, she replied, “I was shaving.”  Duh.

The cherry on the pie?  No car insurance.

Please click on link below for full news article... not joking... it's a true story.