The perp asked incredulously...

I believe his question was answered.




Thanks Key West Citizen Crime Report

JUST THE FACTS PLEASE

Ahhh - okay, now I get it. 

Key West Crime Report  - courtesy of the Key West Citizen  

Again - not an official crime but...

It's just a regular Wednesday in Key West:

Woman tries to run over ex with her car

https://keysnews.com/article/story/woman-tries-to-run-over-ex-with-her-car/

This is such a common occurrence in Key West, it's taught in Driver's Ed. 

Considering the amount of training, her results were disappointing.


Image credit: 2.bp.blogspot.com
https://keysnews.com/article/story/woman-tries-to-run-over-ex-with-her-car/

Man gets death penalty for stealing A/C unit in Key West.

To steal someone's air conditioner in Key West in JULY?

The sentence isn't official, but it's all but a done deal.

Thank you Key West Citizen

hotdog

I tried to get access to these criminal photos...

I'm sorry that I couldn't get these photos. 

I know this is something we all would like to see as proof of the crime.

of course, his name is "Brown".

Thanks to Key West Citizen's Crime Report.

A merkin is growing on my back door.

Not the kind of headline you're used to seeing but it's true. It happens only in Key West.

See pictures below:

Time for a CREW to survey PLEASURE VESSEL grounding!

This caption caught my eye!

It's about a boat that ran ashore. Sure, I knew that.

Thank you Key West Citizen!

English speaking drunken man can only speak Spanish

Thank you Key West Citizen! 5/9/2018

In this crime report, the police watched a man (Raymond) park his golf cart on the sidewalk on Duval St. When they confronted him he said :
 - he'd had 6 Captain Morgans 😜😜😜😜😜😜

 - he was on vacation with his wife (fun vacation for her!)
-  the police were picking on an old man (he's 57)
-  they should be out chasing criminals and crack heads instead of old men (aka drunk drivers)

 When the officers read him his rights, Ray said, "NO HABLA ENGLISH GRINGO". 

 And, although this tactic might have worked for Ray in his previous four DUI's, the Key West police transported Ray to the Monroe County Detention Center.  

During the patrol car ride, Ray hypothesized that the arresting officer would arrest his own grandmother for a DUI. When the officer responded that both his grandmothers were deceased, Ray requested the officer dig up their graves so that Ray himself can arrest the officer's deceased grandmothers for a DUI. 

 His request was denied.

Ray's wife is wishing she'd married the monkey.

"It's only a flesh wound..."

Here is a list of MACHETE crimes as reported over the past few years in the Key West Citizen.

I mean, who owns a MACHETE?  
It must be a jungle out there.

Man arrested in machete incident

A 22-year-old Marathon man was arrested earlier this week after he threatened another man with a machete.

Man arrested in machete attack

A 33-year-old man who attacked another man with a machete was later arrested in Marathon.

Woman claims man attacked her with machete

KEY WEST — A woman told police Wednesday morning that her 73-yearold roommate attacked her with a machete, but police did not find evidence that was the case, according to an incident report.

Ramrod man charged with threatening ex-girlfriend with machete

RAMROD KEY - A local man was arrested last Friday evening for threatening his ex-girlfriend with a machete, according to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.

Man wielding machete arrested, high on crack

KEY LARGO - A 53-year-old man on crack cocaine threatened neighbors with a machete Wednesday, according to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.

CRIME REPORT

CUDJOE KEY- A small get-together over the weekend turned into an argument in which one alleged victim fended off the attacker with a machete, the Sheriff's Office reported.

Gun, machete at center of roommate row in Old Town

 No one was shot or cut in an Old Town roommate argument early Monday morning. But a gun and machete were involved.

Man cut with machete

A man accused of attacking a roommate with a machete during a violent argument Tuesday night is facing an attempted murder charge.

Man chases bicyclist with machete, flees

KEY WEST - A man armed with a machete reportedly jumped out of van and chased a man on North Roosevelt Boulevard Friday night.

AND THIS IS WHY I LOVE KEY WEST!

Each year, the Key West Citizen prints an April Fool's Day Edition. It's insanely believable.

 The first year we lived here, I have to admit--I was completely duped. I read the paper on April 1st, and told Tom they were building a tunnel from Key West to Cuba and calling it the TUBA.  I also reported that the military had taken back the Truman Waterfront in order to construct a 5 star resort for the homeless, complete with 2 Olympic sized pools so the homeless could stay in shape.  I was totally sucked in...just too real! 

 Here are a few highlights from the 2018 edition (honestly, there are so many, it was hard to decide).

Almost everyone here has a MACHETE, so this article makes it seem too real. And since it's such a dog friendly island, you know  the dog is going to get the burnt roast in the end. Perfect.

William Hackley does love himself a good salt pond.  Could totally be true.

Or how about this ad?

Thank you Key West Citizen!  
I love the April Fool's Day edition and that is
NO JOKE!

Florida Keys Florida woman wins Keys conch-blowing contest; accepts proposal

Ummm - If I didn't live in Key West  and understand the lingo - I might have misconstrued this headline...

 - it's a CONCH (pronounced in the Keys - konk) SHELL. 

The article says:

KEY WEST, Fla. (AP) — A Florida retiree has won the women's division in Key West's annual Conch Shell Blowing Contest — and accepted a marriage proposal from a fellow competitor.

Seventy-year-old Mary Lou Smith impressed the judges Saturday with long blasts on the fluted, pink-lined shell. And when 73-year-old Rick Race proposed on stage, she accepted by joining him in a joyous duet.

It's a crime if you don't adopt this diaper wearing rooster.

His name is Mad Max and he wears a diaper.
He's really cute. Don't be a chicken - adopt a rooster (for pet not for coq au vin).
You can get Mad Max at the Florida Keys SPCA. 

I don't know what it is but I DON'T WANT IT!

No thank you.

What's a little stabbing between friends?

Mutual apologies were accepted. 

Article from Key West Citizen

$550,000 gold bar thieves caught so that we may wear hats again!

In 2010, two burglars broke through the bulletproof glass to steal the $550,000 gold bar from Mel Fisher's museum.

They got away.

  The security cameras have footage of the theft, so I'm assuming that the escape must have been something VERY crafty, since it took the Feds EIGHT years to find them. I'm sorry to have to keep reminding you - Key West is an ISLAND.

Post theft, Mel Fisher's museum requires all visitors to take off their hats before they're allowed to enter.

It's worked so far - no hat-less person has stolen any gold.

Which one looks more suspicious?






https://www.local10.com/news/florida/monroe-county/men-arrested-accused-of-stealing-gold-bar-from-florida-keys-museum

VIRUS EXCRETING MONKEYS?

I'd rather take a direct hit from a frozen iguana than an excretion (infected or not) from a monkey.

From the Key West Citizen.

A crime fun fact...

Did you know that before it was outlawed in 1937, hemp was used to make sail canvas?

Did you know that the word "canvas" is derived from the word "cannabis"?

Not surprisingly, Key West had a thriving hemp farming industry.  

And of course, William R. Hackley was ALL OVER that.

Especially before he "called on all the ladies."



From the Key West Citizen.

And I used to complain about raking leaves.

Key West Citizen reports.

KEY WEST ISSUES EMERGENCY ORDER HALTING EMERGENCIES

Until the life-flight helicopter(s) are back in service--NO MEDICAL EMERGENCIES ALLOWED.

Key West Citizen reports:

Who is buying re-cycled bicycle shrimp?

Kudos to the couple - they were able to make money on selling shrimp on FB after purchasing the shrimp from a random guy on a bicycle who probably bought his shrimp from a random guy on a skateboard.

I believe that I have discovered ground zero for the Norovirus.

Key West Citizen reports:

William Hackley makes a horrible decision

Every day in the Key West Citizen, we get the diary posts of William Hackley--a practicing attorney who lived in Key West  from 1829- 1855.

Here is today's post:

 So, $4 in 1855 is the equivalent to $100 in today's money. Even though he's getting three injection fittings for one price, it's just not worth it.

Let's hope he doesn't mix-up the attachments.