"It's only a flesh wound..."

Here is a list of MACHETE crimes as reported over the past few years in the Key West Citizen.

I mean, who owns a MACHETE?  
It must be a jungle out there.

Man arrested in machete incident

A 22-year-old Marathon man was arrested earlier this week after he threatened another man with a machete.

Man arrested in machete attack

A 33-year-old man who attacked another man with a machete was later arrested in Marathon.

Woman claims man attacked her with machete

KEY WEST — A woman told police Wednesday morning that her 73-yearold roommate attacked her with a machete, but police did not find evidence that was the case, according to an incident report.

Ramrod man charged with threatening ex-girlfriend with machete

RAMROD KEY - A local man was arrested last Friday evening for threatening his ex-girlfriend with a machete, according to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.

Man wielding machete arrested, high on crack

KEY LARGO - A 53-year-old man on crack cocaine threatened neighbors with a machete Wednesday, according to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.

CRIME REPORT

CUDJOE KEY- A small get-together over the weekend turned into an argument in which one alleged victim fended off the attacker with a machete, the Sheriff's Office reported.

Gun, machete at center of roommate row in Old Town

 No one was shot or cut in an Old Town roommate argument early Monday morning. But a gun and machete were involved.

Man cut with machete

A man accused of attacking a roommate with a machete during a violent argument Tuesday night is facing an attempted murder charge.

Man chases bicyclist with machete, flees

KEY WEST - A man armed with a machete reportedly jumped out of van and chased a man on North Roosevelt Boulevard Friday night.

AND THIS IS WHY I LOVE KEY WEST!

Each year, the Key West Citizen prints an April Fool's Day Edition. It's insanely believable.

 The first year we lived here, I have to admit--I was completely duped. I read the paper on April 1st, and told Tom they were building a tunnel from Key West to Cuba and calling it the TUBA.  I also reported that the military had taken back the Truman Waterfront in order to construct a 5 star resort for the homeless, complete with 2 Olympic sized pools so the homeless could stay in shape.  I was totally sucked in...just too real! 

 Here are a few highlights from the 2018 edition (honestly, there are so many, it was hard to decide).

Almost everyone here has a MACHETE, so this article makes it seem too real. And since it's such a dog friendly island, you know  the dog is going to get the burnt roast in the end. Perfect.

William Hackley does love himself a good salt pond.  Could totally be true.

Or how about this ad?

Thank you Key West Citizen!  
I love the April Fool's Day edition and that is
NO JOKE!

Florida Keys Florida woman wins Keys conch-blowing contest; accepts proposal

Ummm - If I didn't live in Key West  and understand the lingo - I might have misconstrued this headline...

 - it's a CONCH (pronounced in the Keys - konk) SHELL. 

The article says:

KEY WEST, Fla. (AP) — A Florida retiree has won the women's division in Key West's annual Conch Shell Blowing Contest — and accepted a marriage proposal from a fellow competitor.

Seventy-year-old Mary Lou Smith impressed the judges Saturday with long blasts on the fluted, pink-lined shell. And when 73-year-old Rick Race proposed on stage, she accepted by joining him in a joyous duet.

It's a crime if you don't adopt this diaper wearing rooster.

His name is Mad Max and he wears a diaper.
He's really cute. Don't be a chicken - adopt a rooster (for pet not for coq au vin).
You can get Mad Max at the Florida Keys SPCA. 

I don't know what it is but I DON'T WANT IT!

No thank you.

What's a little stabbing between friends?

Mutual apologies were accepted. 

Article from Key West Citizen

$550,000 gold bar thieves caught so that we may wear hats again!

In 2010, two burglars broke through the bulletproof glass to steal the $550,000 gold bar from Mel Fisher's museum.

They got away.

  The security cameras have footage of the theft, so I'm assuming that the escape must have been something VERY crafty, since it took the Feds EIGHT years to find them. I'm sorry to have to keep reminding you - Key West is an ISLAND.

Post theft, Mel Fisher's museum requires all visitors to take off their hats before they're allowed to enter.

It's worked so far - no hat-less person has stolen any gold.

Which one looks more suspicious?






https://www.local10.com/news/florida/monroe-county/men-arrested-accused-of-stealing-gold-bar-from-florida-keys-museum