Man gets death penalty for stealing A/C unit in Key West.

To steal someone's air conditioner in Key West in JULY?

The sentence isn't official, but it's all but a done deal.

Thank you Key West Citizen

hotdog

I tried to get access to these criminal photos...

I'm sorry that I couldn't get these photos. 

I know this is something we all would like to see as proof of the crime.

of course, his name is "Brown".

Thanks to Key West Citizen's Crime Report.

A merkin is growing on my back door.

Not the kind of headline you're used to seeing but it's true. It happens only in Key West.

See pictures below:

Time for a CREW to survey PLEASURE VESSEL grounding!

This caption caught my eye!

It's about a boat that ran ashore. Sure, I knew that.

Thank you Key West Citizen!

English speaking drunken man can only speak Spanish

Thank you Key West Citizen! 5/9/2018

In this crime report, the police watched a man (Raymond) park his golf cart on the sidewalk on Duval St. When they confronted him he said :
 - he'd had 6 Captain Morgans 😜😜😜😜😜😜

 - he was on vacation with his wife (fun vacation for her!)
-  the police were picking on an old man (he's 57)
-  they should be out chasing criminals and crack heads instead of old men (aka drunk drivers)

 When the officers read him his rights, Ray said, "NO HABLA ENGLISH GRINGO". 

 And, although this tactic might have worked for Ray in his previous four DUI's, the Key West police transported Ray to the Monroe County Detention Center.  

During the patrol car ride, Ray hypothesized that the arresting officer would arrest his own grandmother for a DUI. When the officer responded that both his grandmothers were deceased, Ray requested the officer dig up their graves so that Ray himself can arrest the officer's deceased grandmothers for a DUI. 

 His request was denied.

Ray's wife is wishing she'd married the monkey.

"It's only a flesh wound..."

Here is a list of MACHETE crimes as reported over the past few years in the Key West Citizen.

I mean, who owns a MACHETE?  
It must be a jungle out there.

Man arrested in machete incident

A 22-year-old Marathon man was arrested earlier this week after he threatened another man with a machete.

Man arrested in machete attack

A 33-year-old man who attacked another man with a machete was later arrested in Marathon.

Woman claims man attacked her with machete

KEY WEST — A woman told police Wednesday morning that her 73-yearold roommate attacked her with a machete, but police did not find evidence that was the case, according to an incident report.

Ramrod man charged with threatening ex-girlfriend with machete

RAMROD KEY - A local man was arrested last Friday evening for threatening his ex-girlfriend with a machete, according to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.

Man wielding machete arrested, high on crack

KEY LARGO - A 53-year-old man on crack cocaine threatened neighbors with a machete Wednesday, according to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.

CRIME REPORT

CUDJOE KEY- A small get-together over the weekend turned into an argument in which one alleged victim fended off the attacker with a machete, the Sheriff's Office reported.

Gun, machete at center of roommate row in Old Town

 No one was shot or cut in an Old Town roommate argument early Monday morning. But a gun and machete were involved.

Man cut with machete

A man accused of attacking a roommate with a machete during a violent argument Tuesday night is facing an attempted murder charge.

Man chases bicyclist with machete, flees

KEY WEST - A man armed with a machete reportedly jumped out of van and chased a man on North Roosevelt Boulevard Friday night.

AND THIS IS WHY I LOVE KEY WEST!

Each year, the Key West Citizen prints an April Fool's Day Edition. It's insanely believable.

 The first year we lived here, I have to admit--I was completely duped. I read the paper on April 1st, and told Tom they were building a tunnel from Key West to Cuba and calling it the TUBA.  I also reported that the military had taken back the Truman Waterfront in order to construct a 5 star resort for the homeless, complete with 2 Olympic sized pools so the homeless could stay in shape.  I was totally sucked in...just too real! 

 Here are a few highlights from the 2018 edition (honestly, there are so many, it was hard to decide).

Almost everyone here has a MACHETE, so this article makes it seem too real. And since it's such a dog friendly island, you know  the dog is going to get the burnt roast in the end. Perfect.

William Hackley does love himself a good salt pond.  Could totally be true.

Or how about this ad?

Thank you Key West Citizen!  
I love the April Fool's Day edition and that is
NO JOKE!